Tuesday, March 13, 2012
I am watching season 2 of Army Wives. I'm on the episode that Joan's placenta ruptures. She tells her husband while she's laying in the hospital bed that it's her responsibility. That brought back so many memories for me, and not all of them good.
There are so many times I remember feeling guilty and thinking that my sole responsibility was to protect my baby and keep her healthy and I didn't do that. I dealt with those feelings when we saw the first abnormality on the ultrasound. I dealt with it when I had an amniocentesis. I dealt with it when my water broke at 29 weeks. I dealt with it the whole 10 weeks Wendy spent in the hospital. And now I'm dealing with it every time I have to change Wendy's colostomy bad, every time I hook up her feeding pump, every time I give her medicine, every time I take her to the doctor.
Sometimes it's feelings of guilt. Sometimes anger. Sometimes sadness. But the rest of the time, I feel pure joy. I feel guilty at times because I felt like it was my responsibility to keep my baby healthy. I feel angry sometimes because I wanted Wendy so badly and I did everything the doctor's said. And here I see pregnant women smoking, drinking, and doing drugs, and it disgusts me to no end. Those women don't deserve the privilege of being a mother. Sometimes I feel sad because I just want Wendy to not have any health problems and not have to have all the extra equipment. I don't want to see her suffer through more surgeries. But even after all those feelings, I am one of the happiest mother's alive because Wendy is still here. She has defied so many odds and she has touched so many people, I can't help but be proud to be her mother. Pride, I suppose, is another feeling that I experience quite a bit.
I may endure a roller coaster of emotions, but all it takes is one cuddle, one smile, one happy memory to turn it all around. Wendy is such a strong and courageous person, even at 5 months old and 8 lbs. My daughter has such a beautiful soul. I have a feeling that one day we will both look back on all the trials and hardships we've faced, and we'll smile, because we've overcome it. There is no other option.